In a
special joint session of the House of Representatives and the Senate and with
only one dissenting vote, the legislators approved a 2013 fiscal year budget
based on the principals embodied in the Simpson-Bowles Commission report.
When
asked why he alone opposed the budget, Ron Paul admitted that it was the best
budget passed since he joined the House; however, since it still funded the
Federal Reserve and did not remand the US to the gold standard he could not in
good conscience support it.
Nancy
Pelosi praised John Boehner’s leadership in crafting this compromise budget and
especially lauded his tearful rendition of Kumbaya. Boehner, too choked up for
words, spoke through a Girl Scout representative. “Who doesn’t believe in the
power of campfires, even if they are provided by the National Park service in
cement containers placed on a sidewalk equidistant between the House and Senate
buildings?”
Mitch McConnell
raised the microphone above Olympia Snow’s head so her voice could not be
heard. “Now that this travesty is complete,” he said. “We can go back to my
number one priority to make sure Obama is a one-term president. Where was the
president on this; to hear him talk you’d think he came up with the idea of
this commission or something?”
Presidential
hopefuls Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich for the first time formed
a united front in their debate earlier today, decrying the legislation.
Romney
was particularly upset about the increased tax-rates for millionaires. “I’ve
spoken with many of my friends since this bill passed and they agree to a man: with
class warfare so rampant in the US, we will have no choice but to shelter more
income in off-shore tax havens.”
Gingrich
sputtered that only he had provided surplus
budgets when he was Speaker of the House. When challenged by a fifth-grader
about the accuracy of his statement given the numerous off-budget deficits that
meant the US actually borrowed money every year he was Speaker, Newt replied, “That’s
accounting semantics. Furthermore, I’ll remind you that even Rush Limbaugh thinks
I am smarter than a fifth-grader.”
Santorum
proclaimed that the Simpson-Bowles compromise did not go far enough to cut
expenses because it still left a temporary budget deficit. “I am the only true
conservative in the race. As president, I won’t sign any budget unless there is
first a balanced-budget amendment. Nor will I sign any legislation that raises
taxes on any American.” When a reporter quoted a conservative think tank that
projected that with a balance budget amendment in place unemployment could
skyrocket to over 20% in the next recession, Santorum dismissed the result. “As
you know,” he said, “I am not worried about the unemployment rate. A president
can’t affect that—except for Obama. Everything he’s done in the last three years has hurt jobs.”
When a
reporter asked the President how quickly he would sign the bill into law, he indicated,
“This budget is nothing like the budget I proposed to Congress. It’s the first
time I’ve looked at some of these provisions. The reality is that whether or
not I like it, there are veto-proof majorities in the House and Senate, so I
might as well eat my spinach and get it off my desk.”
The reporter noted that the Simpson-Bowles commission had been his idea. “True
enough,” Obama said, turning away from the reporter before slapping himself on
the forehead and chuckling. “But that’s like saying the Heritage Foundation is
in favor of Obamacare because they were the ones to suggest the individual
mandate was a good idea.”
Indeed.
Happy April Fools’ Day.
~ Jim
